Jokes submitted by our readers... If you have a joke to share, email it to firstname.lastname@example.org. You must include you real name, address and phone number so Grunion can confirm your submission!
Q: What's the differance between a pianist and god?
A: God doesn't think he's a pianist…
Q:Whats the difference between Terrorists and Accordion players?
A:Terrorists have sympathizers…
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
Q: What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss a banjo in the garbage and it hits an accordion…
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
A: A music critic…
Q: How many concertmasters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but it takes four movements…
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend…
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A: A vocalist…
Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
A: They're all dead…
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
A: Back up…
Q: How do you get a drummer off of your porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza…
Q: What's the difference between a piano and a Harley-Davidson?
A: One of us might be able to tune a Harley…
Q: What's the difference between a piano accompanianist and a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist…
Q: What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
A: Ladies in Pain…
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal’s skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on.
They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced “Bear.” Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, “Shot with a .308 rifle.” He was right.
They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, “Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again.
Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.
He said to his wife, “I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?”
His wife angrily replied, “I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, “Skunk, killed with an axe…”
Bill and Hillary were going down a back road and stopped at a gas station. As the worker was filling up their car, he said to Hillary "I went to high school with you". She recognized him and agreed with him. Later as they were driving down the road Bill said "If you had married him you wouldn't be married to the President". Hillary said "Oh yes I would--he would be President..."
There was a man who had worked his whole life in a pickle factory. One day he came hone and told his wife he had been fired from his job. She began to scream and yell, “You have given them 20 years of devoted service. Why did they fire you?”
“For 20 years I’ve wanted to stick my dick in the the pickle slicer,” he explained, “and today I finally did it!” The wife ran over and pulled his pants down to see what damage had been done.
“You look okay,” she said with a sigh of relief. “So what happened to the pickle slicer?”
“Well,” he said with hesitation, “they fired her, too…”
A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It’s a girl. She’s my daughter.
A: Oh, I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t know that you were her father.
B: I’m not. I’m her mother…
Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.
The teacher says, “Why are you arguing?”
One boy answers, “We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.”
“You should be ashamed of yourselves,” said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn’t even know what a lie was.”
The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher…
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "SCREW YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer screw you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
How do you put a twinkle in a soprano's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
Two Irishmen are fishing in a boat on a lake.
One Irishman hooks something; he reels it in and gets it in the boat. It is an old rusted lamp. He brushes off the muck and soggy leaves and out pops a genie!
The genie says, "Wow, thanks a lot for saving me! I almost drowned down there. I'll tell you what, you get one wish - make it a good one - and I'm out of here!"
The Irishman thinks for a minutes and says, "I want this whole lake filled with beer, as far as you can see, nothing but beer, no water. Make it Guinness!"
"That's it?" asks the genie. "You got it!" He snaps his fingers and the whole lake is now filled with Guinness. The genie disappears.
The other Irishman smacks his friend on the head and says "Now what in the hell did you do that for? Now we'll have to piss in the boat!"
Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, " I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
Why is Donald Trump always seen with Melania? Because all his other wives support Hillary.
What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common? They both whine alot!
Three men were sitting in a bar, one was French, one Itailan, and one American. The Frenchman said "Last night I made love to my wife four times, and this morning she kept telling me how much she worshipped me." So the Itailan said "Well, I had sex with my wife six times last night, and this morning she was too exhaused to speak." The American remained silent, so the Frenchman smugly asks "So how many times did you have sex with your wife last night?" "Once." the American replied. "And what did she say this morning?" asked the Itailan. The American replies "DON'T STOP!"
A father was teaching his son the evils of alcohol so he brought two cups and put alcohol in one and water in one then a worm in each so the worm in the alcohol dies and the one in the water lives so.... he said what did you learn.. the boy said that if you drink alcohol you won`t have worms.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One guy says to the other, "Do you know that lions have sex 10 or 15 times a night?". The other guy says, "Damn, I just joined the Rotary Club."
A guy walks into a bar and sees a horse tending bar, apron and all, wiping out a glass. He stares at the horse for a minute without saying a word. The horse returns the stare and breaks the silence by asking, "Hey buddy, what's the matter? You can't believe that a horse can tend bar?" "No", the guys says, "I can't believe that the ferret sold the place."
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra.
If you have a joke to share, email it to email@example.com. You must include you real name, address and phone number so Grunion can confirm your submission!
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